What the fuck..

Really?!!!! Again?! I thought we were cool. No, you backstab me again. I won't fucking forgive you this time. You're just a little girl dying for attention because your mom doesn't give a shit about your life. Good, I'm glad. But don't use my life to entertain your pathetic little world. Oh well, at least my boyfriend loves me more than anyone will ever love you. I can take solace in that fact. You're so pathetic. I can't wait until you grow up and realized that you've fucked up your life. Good luck, darlin'.

I Know

I don't deserve him. You don't have to remind me. What an appropriate time to find my best friend, right after losing all of the rest of them. It's not your place to tell me what I should and shouldn't do. I know it was wrong, but that's my problem. Not yours. I just want to be done with all of this. None of it's worth it. None of it. Why am I even still here?

I've Never Felt Closer

To it than now. Except for maybe yesterday, or the day before. But that doesn't erase the facts. I've been searching and I can't find it. It drives me nuts. I feel insane. The only pet I've ever had is gone. My brother's meeting with a lawyer. And I can't get it out of my mind that its my fault. I've run out of tears and I don't have it to help me get through this. I don't know what to do. But it won't get out of my head. It's always at the back of my mind. Why not? I've always been the coward.

Oh, and

It's easier for me to be pissed than sad because than no one will see me cry. So here goes-

FUCK YOU. I hate you and you have no idea that I do. I wish I could just tell you what a stupid, fat whore you are but that would upset him. If it weren't for you two being friends, I would tell you every little thing I thought about you. All you do is rant to my boyfriend about how much a stupid, crazy slut you are and then you get mad at him for telling you the truth. You're so pathetic and psychotic. I don't get how he can be friends with you. You're not even close to worth it. I just want to punch you in your fat, ignorant mouth.

I Shouldn't Have Done That.

So, I just hacked your myspace to change your headline for a joke. And being the nosy fuck that I am, I just HAD to check your mail. And the only messages there were three between you and me titled "I just want you to know" And I thought it was something cute you might've sent me a long time ago that I'd forgotten about. But I open it to find them from the day after we took a break. That first message from you just killed me. I instantly broke into tears. I don't know how I could ever do something like that to you. You're the best thing that has ever happened to me. I've never been so happy to have someone like you in my life. You mean so much to me, you have no idea. I don't know what I'd do without you. I love you more than anyone I've ever met.

Some Kind of Wonderful

You have no idea how you make me feel. Like you told me, I've never felt this about anyone ever before. I honestly feel so comfortable with you and I feel like you'll never hurt me. You're the only person who can tolerate my insane, hardcore, messed up moments where I'm being completely unreasonable. When I'm with you, I feel like I'm walking on air. It's awesome. You're awesome. (:

Jealousy

I'm not a jealous person. I almost NEVER get jealous. This picture didn't even bother me until now.... I go back and look and you're truly smiling. I don't like that she made you smile. That she got to kiss you and have you. I just feel .... icky looking at it. That's my smile. I don't own you but it's like gah... to see that. That you liked her. I know, I know. I've dated like 10 times more people. And I can't even complain. But still... maybe it's the fact that you still have the picture up there. Not to mention the "cute couple" comments... :/ I don't even know. Jealousy is so new to me. I don't like it. Hell, I don't like her and I've never even heard anything about her...

Bitch

That's exactly what you are. A stupid, lying, fucking drama-queen bitch. All you do is start rumors and cause drama. You're so immature. I seriously feel like killing you sometimes. When you're not talking shit, you're talking about sex. You're not even sixteen yet! I don't care that he's the only one. It's 24/7 and that's stupid for a 15 year-old. You're pathetic and for right now, I don't even want to speak to you.

I've Come To The Realization

That I crave love. I guess so does everyone. But I so desperately want to love and be loved. Every second of everyday. Unconditionally. I think about it all the time. Will I fall in love again? Soon? Or years from now? I realize I'm still young and I probably shouldn't even know what love is. But I have. And I want to again. I almost need to.

But I fear it just as much. I fear the commitment. The devotion. The drama. What happens with heartbreak? Will I be able to go through that again? It was so hard last time. It took me almost two years to mostly get over it. I'm so scared to fall in love again. So much that I've sabotaged every relationship afterwards until now. I'm not good at protecting myself. I'm always gonna get hurt. But that hard... I don't know.

I'm just confusing myself so much. And I don't know what to do. Well, I have a clue. But I'm just a moron. I'll probably fuck this up. So in advance, I'm sorry.

I Might Just

Freaking attack you. I loooove being with you and cuddling with you. Not to mention, your hugs are amaziing. But there's always something bothering me. You're so nonphysical. I'm not frustrated with you. Just the situation. We kiss only a few times each time we hang out. I'm just so not used to it... It confuses me. I'm not asking for sex or anything, no way. But... damn. I've never had someone so nonphysical. Boy, you confuse me. Oh so much.

I Wanted To Do This Again

RULES
1. Put Your itunes, windows media player etc on Shuffle
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS
4. Put any comments in brackets after the song name
5. Tag 6 people.


Are you male or female? Cheek to Cheek
Describe yourself. Car Underwater
What do people feel when they're around you? All Black
Describe your current relationship. Heaven Help Us
Where would you like to be now? Teeth The Size of Piano Keys
How do you feel about love? Great White Whale
What's your life like? Teardrops On My Guitar
What would you ask for if you had only one wish? 2112 (??????)
Say something wise. Prelude 12/21
If someone says "Is this ok?" you say: The Body of Death of The Man With the Body of Death
How would you describe yourself? A Lonely September
What do you like in a guy/girl? Light Up The Sky
How do you feel today? A Mad Russians Christmas
What's the purpose of your life? Closer
What is your motto? Slow Dance
What do your friends think of you? Duality
What do you think of your parents? Good Life
What do you think about very often? 8th Grade (Actually, not at all...)
What is 2+2? Break It Out
What do you think of your best friend? Write You A Song
What do you think of the person you like? Tears
What's your life story? If You Seek Amy (LOL)
What do you want to be when you grow up? Masterpiece Theatre
What will you dance to at your wedding? Chokechain (LOL, Damn I hope so)
What will they play at your funeral? Close My Eyes Forever (Irony)
What's your hobby? Otherside
What's your biggest fear? On My Own
What's your biggest secret? More Than That

Oh, and YOU

You think you are so funny, so witty. I told you it was one of the worst days I've had in a long time. You said, "Oh, boohoo," without knowing a thing. I wasn't complaining and saying my life was so awful. I was angry and upset at myself. I knew it was all my fault and I am the reason I am upset. I could have prevented this. But that gives you no right to tell me he won't last. Messing around? Yeah, right. Get over it. Fuck you. You don't know anything about me. I guess I didn't know you very well myself. All I was looking for was a friend. Sorry, I can't live up to your picture-perfect standards.

Issues

My commitment issues are mixing with my attachment issues. I'm afraid to be with one person for too long but I'm afraid to lose anyone. The attachment issue is kind of beating the commitment. But I don't want either. I feel like I need him. I barely have him. It's only been a short time. But I guess it's a little different this time. He's different. But I need to learn. Neither issue can control me. At least, I can try not to let them. If I can stop the tears, I can stop these fears.

Go Away

You know how when you have those amazing moments you'd love to live over again a thousand times but you can't. But then when something terrible happens, it's replaying constantly. My one regret. Always in the back of my mind. Anytime I close my eyes, the memory comes back. It's sad when one of your favorite scenes from a movie now reminds you of what happened. It won't go away. Anywhere I am, it's there. Something that triggers that memory. I don't know when or even if it will go away.

I Don't Often Do the Obsession Thing

So why am I bordering that now? When I like someone, I often just like them. If something happens, great. If not, oh well. So why is this different? Sure, he is far different than other guys I've taken interest in. But I know I'm thinking too much. I need to stop myself. Starting now. But he is a pretty sweet guy. I wonder if something will happen.

I Feel Like I'm Annoying Him

But I know that's not true. I just think about him constantly. I'm annoying myself, that's all. I'm freaking out because he hasn't called. Tell me that's not crazy.

Every time I try to fly I fall. Without my wings, I feel so small. I guess I need you, baby. And every time I see you in my dreams, I see your face, it's haunting me. I guess I need you, baby.

Not to mention, he's changed so much. He's so.... good now. He's sweet and funny and the way he talks.. It's so different. What he said to me changed my feelings completely. I guess I did miss him.... I wish I would've said that instead of "I don't know."

And by the way,

Him. Ugh, how he kills me. "We'll never see each other. I have school and work. I'm sorry. I think we should break up." Months ago, but the words strike again. I told her to call him, forgetting he had night school during that time. He answered. No more school, eh? Someone else brought him up. They hung out more than a few times in a week. No more work, eh? You're a liar. But I can't get over it. It wasn't love. But I sure as hell liked you a lot. I trusted you more than the rest of them. Let you into my mind and my heart. I let you do what I never let others do before. Now, no one really matters. A kiss here, a make out there. Why should I care? I feel like I should call you. Maybe see if you wanna hang. Maybe we can go back to before you asked me out. In the basement? We had fun with no strings attached. I'm sure that's what you wanted. Maybe you still do. I'll find out soon. My friends will kill me.

My Best Friend's Boyfriend

How fucking typical. Ugh. At least she's not really my best friend. But still a good one. It's not so crazy of an idea. I mean, I've known him so much longer. I hang out with him almost every single day of my life. She never sees him. He talks about me all the time. He tells his best friend to call me so we can hang out. What in the world. I even took one of those crazy compatibility quizzes. It said we were absolutely perfect for each other. All based on names and personalities. What the fuck. I don't trust those things 100% but really. I tried it with me and different someone and we just got something about having the same sense of humor. Someone slap me. I call myself crazy. But even my best friend in the whole world says he likes me. Hell, she knew I liked him before I did. She says he talks about me all the time. And that he flirts with me 24/7. Am I crazy? Or is there a chance? Someone shoot me before I do something moronic. Like me, hate me, love me, destroy me.