What?!

Am I just not good enough? Can I never compare to them? I don't care that I have a boyfriend now. You broke up with me because we lived too far. But her?! She lives so fucking far away. Why her? Why not me? Why is it always someone else? You meant the world to me. You still do. She's not even as good for you as I am. You see all that she does. I wouldn't do that if you told me not to. I wouldn't say anything like that..... Never.

You Are Not Alone?

So many songs state those words, along with many people in the world. But that's not fucking true. You're ALWAYS alone. There's no one there after you're older to help you with your problems, to take care of you. You're on your own. And it's not cool. It's not fun. Life is a scary, dark place. And I hardly wanna be a part of it anymore. I can't do this. I can't be alone. What if they all leave me? I'm going to be all alone... More than alone. I don't even feel real anymore.

Hmmmmm

Cut, cut, cut. He's gone for a week now, maybe more. So, this should be easy as hell to hide. Let's see. I need to get something sharper, this razor's just making me angry. Cut over scars, scars over cuts. Oh! There goes the blood. Drip, drip, drip. Only four for now. Don't want too much blood; I don't have any tissues. Let's get high tomorrow. I love escaping all this pain. Sounds good? Deal.
Hmmm, the song just said "let's jump out a window". That sounds like a wonderful idea, doesn't it?

Borderline.

Every symptom I read, every test I take points to that. Borderline Personality Disorder. It's so odd how much those symptoms describe me. So do I have it? Dunno. I'm not a doctor. But sometimes, my moods get to the point where they scare the crap out of me. Even earlier today, Bret and I had a huge fight over nothing. And I was furious and crying, and I just couldn't control it. And I knew I was wrong. A little bit later, I'm perfectly fine. I don't get it. I self-injure. My self-image is constantly changing. Today, I felt damn good. A few days ago I felt like a whale, disgusting and lumpy and just impossible to look at. Oh, there. Abandonment issues. Just ask my mother. I can't be left alone. Anywhere. It's terrifying. And anytime, I feel everyone is going to leave me. And I'll be alone all over again. That thought is always there. Shocker: "Higher likelihood you have Borderline Personality Disorder". Thats what it always says. So, I'm finally gonna take the advice they give me. "Some of the symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder can be treated through therapy and medications. Please print out your BPD test and score and share it with your doctor or therapist."
I don't have a printer for my laptop. But my score is 9/10. And that's how everything says. So I'll print this blog out soon and bring it to my next appointment. Maybe this can help. Maybe I'm hopeless.