Wow

I guess I never knew that I'm just this wonderful outlet for anger; yell at me and it makes your problems easier. So when you have no one to blame, take a stab at me. That's just dandy. Oh, and yes, States were amazing. Thanks for asking. Oh, it doesn't matter I was in a terrible mood because of our scores and the fact we'll never perform that again. Don't worry about it; just keep going on with blaming me. Thanks (:

I Think

I think I'll remember this time. I'm so calm right now. I'm not freaking out like last time, and I don't feel crazy. I am simply calm. The blood is helping so much. I just need to see the bleeding.

Hm, You know what

You know what the best way to tell your best friend that you're there for her. Tell her to shut up and that you don't wanna talk about it. That's always what makes me feel better. Um, not? I'm glad you can be there for me or at least pretend to be. I can't take more of your shit. I'm sick of being treated like nothing to you. It's not fair at ALL to me. I don't care what you say.

Broken

I'm completely broken. I don't know how, or why, or when; I just am. I can't fix myself. My friends can't fix me. Not even my boyfriend. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm so lost and I'm sick of breaking down every other day. I can't even think of what to say. I just want to take my brain out, put it on a table, and tell somebody to fix it. I need to be fixed. That's all I want. Is this a test from God? To see if I can fix myself? If it is, I'm sorry, God, I'm failing. I need help but I can't ask anyone.

Empty

Am I empty of blood now as well? I can feel the pain, slightly. And I can hear my skin ripping. But nothing comes out. Nothing. I guess I'll have to keep trying til it comes. There has to be something sharper than this.

What?!

Am I just not good enough? Can I never compare to them? I don't care that I have a boyfriend now. You broke up with me because we lived too far. But her?! She lives so fucking far away. Why her? Why not me? Why is it always someone else? You meant the world to me. You still do. She's not even as good for you as I am. You see all that she does. I wouldn't do that if you told me not to. I wouldn't say anything like that..... Never.

You Are Not Alone?

So many songs state those words, along with many people in the world. But that's not fucking true. You're ALWAYS alone. There's no one there after you're older to help you with your problems, to take care of you. You're on your own. And it's not cool. It's not fun. Life is a scary, dark place. And I hardly wanna be a part of it anymore. I can't do this. I can't be alone. What if they all leave me? I'm going to be all alone... More than alone. I don't even feel real anymore.

Hmmmmm

Cut, cut, cut. He's gone for a week now, maybe more. So, this should be easy as hell to hide. Let's see. I need to get something sharper, this razor's just making me angry. Cut over scars, scars over cuts. Oh! There goes the blood. Drip, drip, drip. Only four for now. Don't want too much blood; I don't have any tissues. Let's get high tomorrow. I love escaping all this pain. Sounds good? Deal.
Hmmm, the song just said "let's jump out a window". That sounds like a wonderful idea, doesn't it?

Borderline.

Every symptom I read, every test I take points to that. Borderline Personality Disorder. It's so odd how much those symptoms describe me. So do I have it? Dunno. I'm not a doctor. But sometimes, my moods get to the point where they scare the crap out of me. Even earlier today, Bret and I had a huge fight over nothing. And I was furious and crying, and I just couldn't control it. And I knew I was wrong. A little bit later, I'm perfectly fine. I don't get it. I self-injure. My self-image is constantly changing. Today, I felt damn good. A few days ago I felt like a whale, disgusting and lumpy and just impossible to look at. Oh, there. Abandonment issues. Just ask my mother. I can't be left alone. Anywhere. It's terrifying. And anytime, I feel everyone is going to leave me. And I'll be alone all over again. That thought is always there. Shocker: "Higher likelihood you have Borderline Personality Disorder". Thats what it always says. So, I'm finally gonna take the advice they give me. "Some of the symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder can be treated through therapy and medications. Please print out your BPD test and score and share it with your doctor or therapist."
I don't have a printer for my laptop. But my score is 9/10. And that's how everything says. So I'll print this blog out soon and bring it to my next appointment. Maybe this can help. Maybe I'm hopeless.

Happy New Year?

Let's see what happened on New Years:
Went to the party I was invited to. The host fucked his girlfriend and went to sleep
Went home. Accidentally dropped the single, 100% full bottle of smirnoff, breaking on impact.
Received a call from my brother and his friend to come to my dad's house where my brother was having a huge party.
Met my brother upstairs in the completely dark bathroom with a glass of water and some bread crying. Listened to him stumble over his words as he described how the girl he liked brought someone else to the party. Then, listened to him yell about how much he didn't love our dad and how he hated him for fucking up our lives.
Went downstairs to socialize with the 3 friends I'd come with and a guy who I'd known around school.
Came back home to find 3 more of my friends already drunk.
Got wasted. Watched 2 of my friends puke in separate bathrooms. Learned two of my friends had sex in my basement.
Got 4 of my friends and a stranger randomly at my house. Tried to kick them out. Ran outside to cry/bawl. Twice. Ended up with more alcohol. Got 4 of them to leave while one decided to spend the night.
Got kissed by my friend's ex-boyfriend's friend. Pushed him away.
Decided it was time for everyone to sleep. Asked the oldest person there and one of my most trusted friends, (let's just call him the ass) to watch my friend to make sure one of the guys didn't touch her or anything because she was extremely drunk.
Woke up at 8 am to my friend crying, saying the "the ass" molested her while she was sleeping.
Kicked him out and won't talk to him ever again.
Welcome to 2010.

I Hate My Life

No, that's not the most accurate statement. I hate myself; therefore, I want to end my life. Deal? They're fading to scars now.. I wish I could create more but I have to wait til he leaves. And that will be appropriate as I'll already be upset. No matter how long we spend together- before, after, and sometimes during, I'm depressed. I want to die. I hate everything and I just want to cry. I don't think I've been so honest about it until now. I really hope no one I know sees this. Only 2-3 people. By 2-3, I mean 3 people know but the third doesn't know the extent. Everything makes me want to cry. I can't even handle school anymore. I go for half the day, then make up some excuse to leave or skip. I haven't been to my last 2 hours for 3 classes in a row. I have no will to even go. I hardly even care about going to college anymore. I don't want to feel like this. I hate this. I hate myself for hating myself. And I hate myself for that too. What the hell is wrong with me and why am I so fucked up?